Depression and Suicide.

After seeing the passing of Bourdain, again I see an over share of the suicide hotline. We all know this hotline exists but do we REALLY want to call this number when we have a bad day and want life to end? No we don’t.

I am neither stronger nor weaker then the next individual but I will admit, I suffer from both Anxiety and Depression. Both together are legitimate hell. I isolate myself from individuals because I am emotionally weak. It isn’t easy. I work, and go home. I go out once in a very blue moon.

Back in High School, I used cutting as a form of relief. I cut to take that emotional pain and turn it into physical pain. I know it sounds weird but the physical pain was more tolerable than the emotional pain. It isn’t easy, it will never be easy. For you folks that don’t understand what we go through, do not try. You won’t. Just know that out way of speaking out is VERY cryptic.

I know everyone at this very moment is all about this suicide hotline, yes it is good to speak about it but we can’t find the words to express exactly how we feel, its difficult. We often post songs or lyrics to a song we can relate to. We don’t often say or express how we relate to it but we do.

I recall a period of my life that left me feeling entirely worthless. It was when I was in High School, probably junior year, and my parents were always arguing and fighting and it wasn’t looking good for my family. My go to song, Broken Home by Papa Roach. No one knows WHAT I witnessed which made this time in my life significant because I don’t speak out about it because I choose not to, until now. To this day I can honestly say I can STILL relate to some Papa Roach songs.

Broken home at the time WAS my song. I felt I matched well with the lyrics. I was in the middle of a war between my mother and father and nothing seemed to work. There were no compromises. They always argued, they ignored one another. At one point my mother actually stopped sleeping in bed with my father and slept on the couch. She legitimately got the short end of the stick. To be honest, it was all because my father and his side of the family. Every time he would have a conversation with his family, which you couldn’t NOT hear, he blamed everything on her and made her look like the bad guy, she wasn’t, he was. I witnessed everything.

To me, I felt trapped. My father always said “Don’t involve the kids” yet he always has. My mom has not tried to involve us, she was our primary care taker. Now we will flash forward to my family currently. Dad is now officially re-married. Mom is dating. I live with my mother ( yeah yeah take your judgements and throw them out the window because I don’t care what you think. ) My mother has actually changed. She went from a complete negative to a positive. Same with my father, surprisingly. Both are getting on with their lives and I am now an adult which it helps me better understand the situations I have been through. This does not mean I don’t still feel emotions from past situations because wounds may heal, but they still scar and those scars do indeed remain.

As a sufferer of Anxiety and Depression I can tell you this, WATCH WHAT WE POST! We post in cryptics to throw people off, most will shrug it off and think its nothing, well its not “Nothing”. Think outside the box and analyze the post with an open mind and you will realize we do wan’t your help we just don’t want to make it obvious.

For everyone who suffered a suicide, wether it be family or friend, I apologize for their choice, of course it wasn’t the right choice but I am sure they have tried reaching out at some point and everyone thought it was nothing, well it was something. Even the smallest of hints are bigger then what they seem. May those who took their life early, Rest In Peace. They will be missed greatly.


Living the Graveyard shift Life

So I never really see much about living the life of a 3rd shift worker, graveyard shift, you know the Vampiric life so here’s my input!

  1. Stay alive! Caffeine is absolutely necessary. For a lot of folks it IS EXTREMELY hard to adapt, by extremely I mean some fall asleep literally standing up!
  2. Get a calendar! Some folks, like myself, tend to forget what the exact day is. Wether it is the date or the day in general.
  3. Find a partner that has a similar schedule! If your single, your going to want to find someone who has the same schedule. It is VERY hard to stay awake during the day depending on what you do.
  4. Set a “Nap” schedule or “Sleep Time”. Considering our vampiric life, its very hard to socialize. Unless you can find some 24hr joints great! If not, well you may just be doomed… unless you set yourself a nap schedule or sleep time! You can’t necessarily expect friends or family to adapt to your time so figure it out! Wether its sleeping earlier or waking up earlier, socializing is a skill some of us vampires lack.
  5. If you have small children, forget sleep! One thing I do believe is if you have small children, your going to want to find a 9-5 job possibly 9-3 if they, your employer, will work with you. I believe its best to raise your kids be in their life. My father did overnight work and I can assure you, growing up without( mentally not physically ) a father is hard. He would always get home around 5-8 p.m. and sleep from 9 at night until 3 in the morning then back to work he would go. Days off he was stuck to an overnight schedule too so three of us really just did our own thing growing up.
  6. Alarms alarms alarms! I know we all hate these pesky annoyances but they are ABSOLUTELY necessary. To be honest… I use a stock tone in my phone of a dog barking. Most people use a radio which is fine and dandy but I have noticed they are VERY easy to sleep through. So far the dog barking, has woken me up almost each and every time.
  7. Set your alarm clock/ alarm device across the room! Most people grab or smack their device quiet. Most have a tendency to hit the snooze button several times. It’s ok to do if your alarm is set a few hours before the time you have to be in but do not get stingy! One day you will regret it.
  8. Eat healthy and right! As doctors have said it’s not smart to eat right before sleep because your body needs to digest so not fully digesting could tack on a few pounds. You should always allow time to properly digest a meal before sleep. No one want’s that extra weight.
  9. Find something to do! Always keep busy because in no time, you will develop a lousy eating habit. You will snack obsessively craving any junk food you can. Some say it’s because of depression, some say boredom, either way, it’s a fact you may find yourself excessively snacking which will also pack on some extra pounds. You wont find many folks that have the same schedule as you so plan accordingly!
  10. As a final key, take care of yourself mentally. I can not tell you mentally how hard it is living the lifestyle of a vampire. For me every day is a new struggle. Between proper sleep ( lack of blackout curtains ) or the fact that not many around me are on MY schedule, sure the people I work with are but honestly, they are work associates. You should never let work life interfere with your personal life. Things will spin around and become very hard to manage. I would never date someone from work either, a key role is never mix business with pleasure, it NEVER ends will. There you have it folks, there is my take on living the vampiric life. Remember, sunglasses, highest UV sunblock, and stay out of direct sunlight! Until next time!

Lady Karma

So, many folks out there think Karma is a Myth. Let me be the bearer of bad news and explain how Karma is certainly not a myth and when she strikes it most certainly isn’t pleasant!

 So about a year and two days ago exactly, I was forced to leave an ex girlfriend. She was a little crazy as well as her family, and by crazy I mean I tried politely breaking it off and she ended up slamming her face into her steering wheel crying begging and pleading me not to go. Now, I didn’t have a game plan but I was concocting one along the way.

So the next day after her literal freak out incident, she went to the hospital because her nose wouldn’t stop bleeding. Her father, whom I’ve had several quarrels with because he wanted to sit around and have everyone else pay for him as he was still physically able to work, kept answering her phone when she was at the hospital so I kept hanging up. I literally never wanted to deal with him as he never cared for anyone but himself.

Anyways before me calling, I was at work and my friend Evan kept ringing my phone off the hook, before I started ringing her phone off the hook he asks me who this “Nick character is” so I told him it was her sisters boyfriend. He proceeds to tell me he’s threatening him and I through conversation saying he’s going to “Fuck us up” well my hot head I was waiting for it. I’m a short fuse and when you talk to my friends who have nothing to do with this and threaten me I step up to the plate. 

Anyways on to my point, so it’s been a year, I’ve been single, not even a few months after I left I get a message from my friend. “Yo is this Him and Her?” My friend asks about my ex and a friend I used to house. “Is that a joke is that seriously fucking him!?” I said after finding out my friend is now with my ex the one who has no feelings for any animal or any human. She’s like a succubus. Back to the point. Well apparently it was. After that him and his friends start messaging me threatening me and all that nonsense so I blocked them and him from Facebook to prevent any other drama as I’m getting on with my life and I’d rather not be held back.

  A few months pass and so far nothing… Then I hear, “Yo Shawn, her mom just died of a heart attack” said my friend. (Also her family were involved with the animal thing as well as the destruction of some of my belongings after leaving them in a yard full of grass out in the weather ) so bam, one hit of karma which sucks but I never stand between her and her methods. Then time goes by again.

My friend contacts me again, “Yo we are neutral about this but I just spoke to him, apparently her father won the lottery 800,000 and after that he’s saying this is “My house” and he wants him out and he bitched about a 23$ electric bill and he wants to talk to you about this and wants to know what stuff in a detailed list she still has of yours”. So I am thinking, hmm that’s funny… He goes on “apparently dad wants to take her and her sister to the mountains and he said no cell phones”, “wait did you say no cell phones? In the mountains?” He responds “Yea I thought that was weird as shit too.” 

Now on to the daddy. When I lived with her he started yelling at her because she expected to live off of lawsuit money that was non existent, she blew it all. It was mommy and daddies way of living scott free, well he yelled at her “Who’s paying for gas (insert female name here) who’s paying your insurance (insert name here)?” So of course I stepped up to defend her, like an imbiscile, and I got so angry I was so close to start swinging, he was after all directly in my face. I chose the better path walked out across the street into the corn field because I knew I would do a lot of damage. Naturally I knew I’d calm down soon and just stayed away from him.

Anyways time passes he starts understand more as I explain like her money which was made into loans using her CDs as collateral which left her with about a thousand dollars or so left. I spoke to the banker and he explained it. Her house, bought using a CD and cash, her car, a CD. A loan from her own money, stupid right? Well I had to explain to her family what happened with all that money. I was the only one mentally capable to actually FIGURE it out. Her mother clueless, father clueless, sister clueless. Her whole family lacked common sense… Actual they weren’t very intelligent either and this is coming from a highschool drop out. I may not have a piece of paper to say I’m intelligent but after speaking with me, you will know I’m not as dumb as people think, and people do think that about highschool drop outs.

Phew ok so you see the family is a little disturbed, father more then anything, sister is dating a handicapped kid for his money from a lawsuit ( yep yet again someone with money from a lawsuit, see where I’m going here? They won’t work but they will sue! Oh also before mom passed away she was trying for a lawsuit for a “slip and fall” case at a local tennis court) anyways, father worked very little mom was addicted to the lottery. After she passed some how daddy won 800k. Now daddy’s being stingy and not allowing his daughter to have any money and telling her boyfriend ( an ex friend of mine ) to get out. He purchased his one daughter a car him a car and now wants everyone not related to him out of the house. 

  On another note, my ex (insert female name here ) told me when I dated her, that in her teens her father would watch porn openly. This is before 18 which you can understand something is SEVERELY WRONG HERE! The mom prior to that told me her sister once called child protective services on him for child neglect/abuse. Later on I realised “Holy shit this man is a pervert!!!!” Of course I can’t legitimately prove it because NOTHING is on paper but put two and two together and it falls into place. This man worked at a chocolate factory through an employment agency and left that job for a janitorial job at a school, NOT THE FIRST JANITORIAL JOB AT A SCHOOL!!!! I know what your thinking we’ll that could mean a college, I assure you, it wasn’t a college. They wouldn’t tell me the school’s name because they knew what I knew. He was a pervert! So now I hear he wants his daughters and him to go to the mountains ALONE…. WITHOUT THEIR CELLPHONES!!!!! Something sounds off, very VERY off. I walked away so it’s non of my business but now this guy that was my friend needs to talk to me “Man to man” about what events are transpiring. Now I’m in a sticky situation, after what he did to me and said fuck you for being a good friend, I really just want to leave it be and laugh behind his back because HE DOES DESERVE IT! But another side of me because yes I do have a good side, my good side doesn’t even know what to tell him besides I told you so. You should have listened and walked away the first time she cheated on you because I KNEW it would have happened. 

   Well I’m stuck at an intersection here not knowing exactly what I should do. I messaged him that’s the best I can do aside from that, it’s hard to actually determine what is the best way to go about this. I’ll figure it out, but all I know is Karma does exist, and Karma is definitely on my side. Sorry for the ramblings. I’d rather write then bottle! Have a lovely day folks and remember, Karma does exist, so you should be kind to others, unless you’d like a swift kick in the ass from karma 😀

Feeling a bit shameless.

     Although it is a Television show, a damn good one at that, Shameless brings out the feelings in a person. You can’t help but feel for the imaginary family but in all honesty, we all know there are families or a family out there JUST like this.

    Shameless pulls at the heartstrings left and right. This family literally goes through thick and thin. Some can’t help but relate to some of the characters. It’s a fine strong bunch. 

I honestly can’t help but think, damn, these guys and gals have been through complete shit! Again, I know it’s a story of fiction, but EVERYTHING is based off of something. I mean come on now if it’s not directly based off of someone’s life loosely.

I watch as Carl and Liam grow, Carl from thug to wanting to better himself. Lip from uneducated to college boy, Debbie from single mom to well still single mom, I’m sure her character will develop more later, Ian from schizophrenic manic depressant to respected EMT, and Fiona from business manager to owner.

   In my opinion sure the family is quite fucked up. Frank is still an addicted jerk off, Monica, well she’s quite the catch, also, if you haven’t caught the latest season, **Spoiler ahead!**                                                    poor Monica bites the dust. Ruh Roh. No worries I know what everyone was thinking it was a drug binge, but your wrong. I assure you it was natural causes.

     Unfortunately I can’t see the family progress until future seasons are released one episode after another, but I would still love to see how they change. That’s what really keeps my interest up. Seeing them go from rags to riches. Oh come on you honestly think they won’t? I can assure you, with a family as fucked up as the Gallagher’s, you know those kids are bound to go up rather down. Coming from shit or as some call it rock bottom, you know they can only go up from the shit that they have grown from.

     Thanks for the read! I update and post from time to time, write about things I feel necessary to write about, but you’ll see updates on different topics every so often. Thanks again!