After seeing the passing of Bourdain, again I see an over share of the suicide hotline. We all know this hotline exists but do we REALLY want to call this number when we have a bad day and want life to end? No we don’t.
I am neither stronger nor weaker then the next individual but I will admit, I suffer from both Anxiety and Depression. Both together are legitimate hell. I isolate myself from individuals because I am emotionally weak. It isn’t easy. I work, and go home. I go out once in a very blue moon.
Back in High School, I used cutting as a form of relief. I cut to take that emotional pain and turn it into physical pain. I know it sounds weird but the physical pain was more tolerable than the emotional pain. It isn’t easy, it will never be easy. For you folks that don’t understand what we go through, do not try. You won’t. Just know that out way of speaking out is VERY cryptic.
I know everyone at this very moment is all about this suicide hotline, yes it is good to speak about it but we can’t find the words to express exactly how we feel, its difficult. We often post songs or lyrics to a song we can relate to. We don’t often say or express how we relate to it but we do.
I recall a period of my life that left me feeling entirely worthless. It was when I was in High School, probably junior year, and my parents were always arguing and fighting and it wasn’t looking good for my family. My go to song, Broken Home by Papa Roach. No one knows WHAT I witnessed which made this time in my life significant because I don’t speak out about it because I choose not to, until now. To this day I can honestly say I can STILL relate to some Papa Roach songs.
Broken home at the time WAS my song. I felt I matched well with the lyrics. I was in the middle of a war between my mother and father and nothing seemed to work. There were no compromises. They always argued, they ignored one another. At one point my mother actually stopped sleeping in bed with my father and slept on the couch. She legitimately got the short end of the stick. To be honest, it was all because my father and his side of the family. Every time he would have a conversation with his family, which you couldn’t NOT hear, he blamed everything on her and made her look like the bad guy, she wasn’t, he was. I witnessed everything.
To me, I felt trapped. My father always said “Don’t involve the kids” yet he always has. My mom has not tried to involve us, she was our primary care taker. Now we will flash forward to my family currently. Dad is now officially re-married. Mom is dating. I live with my mother ( yeah yeah take your judgements and throw them out the window because I don’t care what you think. ) My mother has actually changed. She went from a complete negative to a positive. Same with my father, surprisingly. Both are getting on with their lives and I am now an adult which it helps me better understand the situations I have been through. This does not mean I don’t still feel emotions from past situations because wounds may heal, but they still scar and those scars do indeed remain.
As a sufferer of Anxiety and Depression I can tell you this, WATCH WHAT WE POST! We post in cryptics to throw people off, most will shrug it off and think its nothing, well its not “Nothing”. Think outside the box and analyze the post with an open mind and you will realize we do wan’t your help we just don’t want to make it obvious.
For everyone who suffered a suicide, wether it be family or friend, I apologize for their choice, of course it wasn’t the right choice but I am sure they have tried reaching out at some point and everyone thought it was nothing, well it was something. Even the smallest of hints are bigger then what they seem. May those who took their life early, Rest In Peace. They will be missed greatly.